Spring Cleaning & Sea Monsters

When I was a puppy, mommy walked in one day and looked down at me and announced, ‘Little boy, it’s time for a bit of spring cleaning!’  Just as I thought this might be a new word for “treat”, mommy reached down and airlifted my small, furry frame right in to the most horrifying place on earth: the evil bathtub.  Horrors!  

And to make matters worse, there was a sea monster in there, too!  Its face was this fizzing nozzle that sprayed water all over me…and it wasn’t by accident, either.  Nope.  Mom took aim, dousing me with one long spray of water after another and mistook my stunned reaction to this hideous ritual as enjoyment!  

Without hesitation, I broke free and scampered, my paws sliding every which way, to the edge of the tub in search of freedom.  With all my puppy might, I tried to pull myself up out of that evil tub away from that sea monster; I even folded back my ears to maximize my aerodynamic exit.  But, somehow mommy’s arm came out of nowhere and transported me right back to the middle of the torture chamber. 

I was then soaked from nose to nub with this icky watery lather.   Now, I will confess that at this point, there was a full body massage, which was kinda nice…I almost forgot how terrified I was until that dreaded sea monster returned!  After repeated blasts of spraying water, daddy finally came to my rescue; swooping me out and wrapping me in a warm towel.  This was the first time I realized that a towel existed for something more than to be chewed on!   

The good news was that I had managed to make it through that evil bathtub monster experience in tact (and believe me, I checked!).  But, the bad news was this would prove to be only the first of many recurring evil bath tub events to come.  

Let’s be reasonable.  Spring cleaning should not apply to dogs.  Does mommy have any clue how long it takes me to smell like a dog?  The process, I have found, involves searching out just the right combination of decaying lizards and other malodorous fragrances, which must then be rolled or frolicked in to achieve this aromatic feat.  And all it takes is one bath and I have to start all over again…trying to smell like a dog.

It’s just not right.

As seen in the Spring 2012

Edition of The New Barker