The Box Stopped Here

So, I was lounging in the front room, inspecting my physique and making minor grooming adjustments as needed, when I notice this big, brown truck hauling around the corner and stopping right in front of my house. Well, this is obviously a serious change to my scenery, so I quickly set off the EBS (Emergency Bark-casting System) alarm and Rosie came running in to join me. Then mom came over and peeked outside. Then she turned and told us that this situation was OK (Really? I’ll be the judge of that!), and that we needed to halt the EBS, post haste. So, Rosie and I run over and observe that, not only is that behemoth vehicle still out there, but now, some strange person has emerged from this brown monstrosity carrying a box…and heading right up to our front door!

This is SO not “OK”! QUICK!!! ACTIVATE EBS ALERT!!!

This time, Rosie adds to the drama of the moment by spinning around in a circle while she is barking. Even I stop sounding off long enough to stare at her…impressive! There’s no denying the diva has mad multi-tasking skills! The doorbell rings…and, what does mommy do (after giving us the evil eye)? Run and hide? No. She opens the door and brings that mystery box in to our domain and sets it on the floor and leaves the room! At this point, the EBS is temporarily suspended whilst the diva dog and I approach said box and cautiously sniff. Hmmm…this is a canine-drom, for sure.

Rosie and I start pawndering on what was inside that box. Maybe there’s a bunch of lizards in there…or a duck! No sound of lizard toes scurrying about or flapping wings…then mom comes in and notices us staring at the box. “You’ll have to wait”, she says. WAIT? That’s a four letter word in dog vocabulary. Not cool, but at least that giant truck was gone now…super puppy powers prevail!

Then, without so much as a care, mommy goes over and starts tapping away on that keyboard she calls a “computer”. Seriously? What about that box??? How can she stand the suspense? So, I enlist my ‘go-to, never fail’ tactic; I pop my fluffy bum up on the loveseat behind her and assume the most irresistible look I can manage. And just stare at her. Pretty soon, mom spins around in her chair, gives me a scratch behind the ears and goes over to the box; I know my hypnotic laser focus has worked its magic.

At last…the contents will be revealed….our gazes are fixed as she pulls out the most amazing item…a squawking, rubber chicken! As she tosses the floppy bird in the air, Rosie and I vie for first chomp!

And to the big brown truck filled with boxes of dog toys, I say dogspeed, my friend…dogspeed!

As seen in the Holiday 2011

Edition of The New Barker

Summertime Funny Bones!

People are funny to watch. They do silly stuff that would make any dog scratch his head in wonder. Like when mom will go in to the bathroom and shut the door and, of all things, leave me on the outside! Who knows what she’s doing in there. For all I know she’s trying to sneak out some secret door…or maybe she’s in there just laughing and laughing at her people joke. I have to find out! So, I’ll just shove my snout under the door and sniff around…sometimes, I’ll even lie down and just wedge my nose right in there and wait, so she knows I know she’s in there. My puppy superpowers will not be thwarted!

Then there’s this thing daddy does that has to be a joke. He puts a leash on my sister Rosie and me, and then announces that he’s ‘taking the kids for a walk’. Ha, ha!! Now, that really is funny. Everyone knows we’re the ones taking him for the walk! So, we just look at each other, crack a dog grin and go along with it. After all, daddy never has learned to fully enjoy the finer things in life. Someday we’ll convince him to pounce on lizards, chase squirrels, shove his face in to the tall grass and take a deep whiff or upon discovering a decomposing worm – just throw himself on top of it and roll around on his back…until then, he will paw through life completely unenlightened to the kind of bliss worth barking about!

Dog jokes are a whole other thing, though. Like when mom thinks she is going to be sleeping in and I give her a big lick with my dog tongue right across her eyelid…voila! The eyes open instantly…BOTH of them! Or when she’s on her computer and I want to play…I just go over and nose the blue light on the metal box that just happens to be in my line of sight. Next thing I know, I have her full attention! Okay, those are combo dog jokes and magic tricks, but it’s pretty doggone funny to watch her reactions!

Speaking of magic, I can make a really, really big treat disappear right before your eyes! Wanna see? Me, too! I keep begging dad to let me practice, but he just said, ‘that dog won’t hunt’...another people joke?

As seen in the Summer 2011 edition of
The New Barker Magazine

The Art of Pawsuasion

One of the top dog talents that all canines worth their whiskers will tell you is most essential to master, is how to get the most out of that treat jar, literally! It’s called the Art of Pawsuasion.

For example, when my little sister Rosie first arrived, she didn’t have a clue how to effectively work her dogness to her full advantage. Oh sure, she was cute and that counted for something; but what I’m barking about is developing a real, bone-afide technique that you can count on working every time, paws down.

My strategy is indirect and can be employed nearly every day with reliable results. For the small yummies, just rest your chin on their leg or arm and gaze at them longingly. This usually sends them directly to the treat jar and score! Simple, yet effective.

Now, for the king of dog of treats: the Kong™ filled with lip smacking frozen yumminess. You have to wait until you see mommy or daddy doing the most horrible thing imaginable, which is, of course, taking a bath and then immediately they start running about “getting ready”; which is code for: they are going to be leaving the house and it’s a prime moment to work a bit of guilt on them for that big treat before they leave.

This takes precision, but over time you learn to position yourself where they can’t miss you and just stare at them with the biggest eyes you can make. Once they see you, then really lay it on thick with a few long sighs, never taking your eyes off of them the entire time. At this point, they usually say something like, “awww...we won’t be gone for that long...”. To properly close the deal, just do something irresistibly cute like flip over on your back and twist around so you keep them in your line of sight and as they walk out of the room, race ahead of them and hop up on the sofa and wait...the sweet taste of success is on its way.

I also think they don’t stay away as long, but I’m usually sleeping off my peanut butter filled Kong™ so I really can’t be sure.









As seen in the Spring 2011 edition of
The New Barker Magazine